Never got to say goodbye...

Today I received sad news. An old friend of mine had passed away. I was not aware of it and it had been 2 months since we had last spoken.

We started out on a friendly basis, but it turned sour when he had hurt another friend of mine. I saw him then as a cad and a womanizer. I was wrong in judging him so and tried to make amends by getting "his side" of it.

We talked several times about it and I found out he was basically acting out from the pain and hurt of losing my other friend. She had called it off. I was unaware of this as I was led to believe, by her, that he was the one that had broken them up. Mainly religious reasons on her part... and unfounded reasons. She was afraid he could never love her for who and what she was. She was overweight and of the muslim faith (the latter by choice). She had decided that he could not truly love her as an obese woman and that he would never allow her to keep her faith.

He was hurt by this beyond words. She had never given him the option of deciding it for himself. I had recently been hurt by the he/she and so we became quick friends through the pain of broken hearts. It was never more than that, but it gave us both an outlet to be able to talk it out to the other. We kept our friendship secretive. I did not want to hurt my other friend and I did not want her to mis-understand it. No one knew that we had become friends... not her, Carlo or the friends I played gin with. It just didn't seem important to talk about to anyone. As I said, we were just friends.

He lived in California with his parents. They were both on welfare and needed him to help supplement the income for the house. He was a biker... a patch member of the Hells Angels. The sweetest guy... caring and full of passion.

Next thing I knew he fell ill. He would never talk about it but said he thought he had contracted Hepatitus from a blood transfusion a few years back and his liver was going bad from years of partying. He went to the hospital on my suggestion to be checked out because his stomach hurt way too much. I called every other day to his parents to get updates as they had admitted him. Updates were sketchy to say the least. His father wouldn't talk to me about it, but his mother would.

He ended up being given the wrong meds and it did something to his lungs and he nearly died before getting to come home. He was never the same. He finally was allowed to come home and we spoke a couple of times. He was so weak and most times I could barely hear him talking. Then his phone was disconnected. I kept calling but never got an answer. This was about 2 months ago.

Today I found out that he had contracted pnuemonia and his liver was gone. He was readmitted to the hospital. He was too weak to bounce back and passed away. I was floored and yet somehow I knew that was what I was going to hear if the phone actually rang through. I don't know how I knew; I just did. My secret friend is gone to a better, pain free place.

I feel guilty somehow for not sharing this friendship with others, expecially the girl I kept it from. She would never know just what he felt about her. He would never say it to her. I guess that is a guy thing. Keeping true feelings bottled up inside. But love her passionately he did. The rest of it never mattered to him, and that is the worst part. She would never know how much she was really loved and I never got a chance to say goodbye.

When we two are parted
Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sank chill on my brow
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Jake you will be sorely missed. Now your skies will always be clear, the wind will be forever at your back and you will always have open roads. Bless you my secret friend.